Pain
by 8ADW01F
Summary: The birth of one is the death of another. Rose struggles with the loss of her husband, her love and the father of her child. How will she endure the pain of losing her Doctor? RoseWhump! ElevenWhump! *1st in the 'Repetitions of a Broken Mind' series*
1. Pain and Loss

**AN: Hey guys this a one-shot idea that came to me late at night so I decided write it up. Not sure if I'll leave it as a one-shot or make it into a story, depends on the response that I get. So if you really want this to continue, leave a comment and I will continue this as a story if enough reviews are written. Keep in mind that this has a lot of whump and feels so heed warning and read with caution.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or anything related and it crushes my dreams and tears me to pieces. I'm going to go die in a hole now. But enjoy!**

She was alone...with an empty heart. Nothing was ever more suffering than the pain she felt from the utter loneliness inside of her; not even the throbbing burn in her back competed with her despair. Her gasps of grief and sorrow could not be heard in the echoes of the night; silenced by the cold and still streets of the dead town. She was feeling the stabs of the chilly air, making her shiver awfully on the harsh concrete. Tears were streaming down her face, perspiration dripping off her clammy skin as her huddled body trembled with gut-wrenching sobs. A terrible scream ripped through her throat as the agony of her loss and it's reminder became too much for her to bear. The trauma was still fresh, the torment insufferable. She could not hold a single thought in her raging mind. The ringing in her head was too loud and yet all she could hear was silence. She absolutely hated it.

'_Why?'_

It was the only word that had rung through her thoughts. It was her plead to the universe, a cry for the one thing that never seemed to last; happiness. Why is the universe always against her and having happiness! Everything it gives to her always get torn apart.

Another sharp pain coursed through her body. The time was approaching and she wasn't ready. She wouldn't be able to handle it. She was too consumed by her grief, too lost in her own mind to even comprehend the physical endurance and pain that was yet to come. The damp ground soaked her body with nippy, bitter chills but she didn't care. Her heart ached too much to even notice the discomfort. She was choking on her own tears, her throat constricting the air that was being taken in.

How did it come to this? It was never meant to be this way! He promised. He-

_Images of past events flew through her mind. The unrestrained pictures of blood, violence, terror and war all painted into her head with the final impression of a familiar body falling lifelessly to the death ridden battlefield-_

"No! No! Make it stop!" Her dry shriek pierced the frozen air. It did nothing to stop the onslaught coming onto her mind.

_"Doctor!" The fear inside her was tearing her limb from limb. The daunting realisation haunted the very essence of her being. Her blood froze in her veins as she dived desperately for the fallen body, the cries of other victims and their loved ones surrounding her._

_"Please! Please! You can't! S'not fair! You promised!" The sound of her heart shattering overwhelmed her as the sight of the lifeless body, in which was the man she so dearly loved, dominated her perception. The once vigorous and excitable man whom abhorred violence and conflict of any kind, whom once strived to do the impossible in order to keep peace in the entire universe was laying in her arms perished, gone. Her husband, her love, the father of her-_

She gasped in realisation. The daunting prospect on what she was about to go through. The physical distress in her body now became very evident as spasms of pain tore throughout her entire figure.

"Ahhhh!"

The severe burning of her aching body filled every sensation that she could feel. The screams of her agony echoed relentlessly in the cold and still night, shaking it's very nature. Her muscles throbbed, bones became lead and her heart pumped laboriously. Her breaths were becoming heavy as she tried to desperately gasp onto the cool midnight air. All she could think of was how she didn't want do this alone. It wasn't suppose to end up like this.

Pain. All she could feel was pain. White hot burning torment ripping through her body as she suddenly had the sensation to push. It was an internal instinct, a reaction to the excruciating preparation towards all of this. It was a deep impulse, something that ravaged through her and filled her with a purpose despite her overwhelming misery. With new founded determination, she used every last bit of her strength in her body to push. Deep guttural shouts escaped her throat as the searing torture from the push scarred her body and shredded her to pieces. The seconds felt like days as she endured as much as she could through the endless strain. She then exhausted and came to a stop.

Nothing happened.

She heaved wearily, her limbs turning to jelly from the exertion. She was exhausted, sore and giving up quite quickly. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was meant to be here. He promised.

Immense pain shot through her once again. She seized her swollen stomach in haste. Groaning and screaming chaos emitted from her; that pushing sensation pouring over her entirely again. She was weak, drained and lacked willpower to push through. Her body lagged and she whimpered in distress. She was surrendering, giving up on trying. It was too much for her. There was no hope left for her to capture. Agony, burning and suffering were devouring her body. Her heart was already broken.

She needed a hand to hold. _His_ hand.

She needed a soothing voice to hear. _His_ voice.

She needed a supportive person to lean on. _Him_.

She needed a doctor. _Her_ Doctor.

"Please! Please! No! Oh! Please!" Her cries would make anyone with a heart shatter into a billion pieces. The pushing sensation could not be stopped. Her body was ignoring what her mind was telling it. The tiny amount of energy left within her was diverted entirely to pushing one final time. She was losing time. Her heart struggled with the physical labor. Her breaths were straggled. Sweat was dripping off her forehead. The muscles in her limbs contracting strenuously. Something was building up inside of her. Energy hidden away, multiplying by the thousands in the tension of her stomach and back. It was coming. The final push.

All she could think of was how alone she was. How entirely empty she felt. The strain was unbearable. She didn't want to feel anymore; didn't want to feel the agony, the loss, the grief, the pain, the suffering, the hurt, the isolation, the hollowness. The heat of terror and of suffering drowned herself completely. Cold, prickly needles poked at her body and it burned like she was being sizzled by a scorching iron rod. She couldn't suppress it any longer. She bursted in a deafening screech.

The howl of anguish could be heard by every mother in the infinite universe, their eyes watered with unknown tears of sorrow and sympathy. The entire universe hurt with the pain and agony being felt by the young, broken woman. It wept throughout all time and space in one horridly atrocious moment. The dogs howled, the babies wailed, the trees withered and the stars dulled in response to the sorrowful event. The universe grieved at the loss of its most precious pink and yellow human. The birth of one is the loss of another.

* * *

One man gasped in dread at the crushing melancholy tearing through time and space. He felt the hurting stars, the misery of the galaxies and the distress his ship was yielding. His hearts sunk at the aching that the entire universe sung out. His mind was filled with anarchy and chaos, crumbling with every ominous feeling and emotion. He clutched his head urgently at the fiery pain and terror struck him. Tears were starting to fall from his red rimmed eyes. He whimpered from the anxiety of the commotion in the universe. It made him want to crumble in a ball on the ground and blink out of existence.

_So much loss. Too much. So empty._

His ship rattled in despair and desolation; lights flickering on and off, the alarms blaring noisily, controls switching on and clicking into place.

The Doctor shot up in panic, dashing in record speed towards the console. He tried in haste to take control without any luck. The TARDIS tilted dangerously to the side as she activated the dematerialisation sequence, knocking the Doctor to the ground in the process. The wheezing and groaning of the TARDIS emitted, signalling that she had landed.

The Doctor immediately tried to get up but struggled with balance as he pulled himself up from the glass floor. As his feet met the ground, he sprinted to the monitor and turned the dials but was only to be met with a blank screen. He banged the machinery in frustration, pulled back and tugged at his bow tie nervously like it was choking him. He paced back and forth, kneading his hand tensely; it was a nervous tick that developed from stress. He was making a habit of doing it.

He was lost in his own thoughts, the pain of the universe still present in his mind. It was quite evident that whatever was behind those doors was the cause of the sudden anarchy in the entirety of time and space and the thought of what it could possibly be properly frightened him. Anything could be behind those door. He literally did not know what to expect. What could cause so much pain to the universe? How could something depress his TARDIS in such a way that it made her feel complete hopelessness? He was very hesitant to venture through. He knew it would be terrible; something utterly horrific and he did not know if he could cope with something that dreadful after the loss of the Ponds and the breaking of his hearts.

His musing was suddenly interrupted by the sound of a door clicking open. He froze and snapped his gaze to the half opened door. The TARDIS obviously wanted him out there to investigate. She already made his decision.

The Doctor moved towards the doors, trepidation consuming his body. His hand reached out to pull the door further in order to reveal the view. As his hand tensely pulled the door towards him, the Doctor's gaze shift to the world outside. Once his sight was set and the scene was clearly present, the Doctor's hearts sunk deep within the pits of his stomach. Out of all the things that were unexpected, nothing could prepare him from the sight in front of him.

"No." He whispered in a state of terror and shock.

_No. Not her. Anyone but her._

The sight before him ripped his hearts apart and turned his blood cold. His fists clench in rage and horror and hearts pounded viciously in his chest. If it not for his rage, the Doctor would've been completely and utterly broken; with nothing and no one having the capability to fix his shattered remains. The sight before him was none other than the figure of Rose Tyler, his precious pink and yellow human, huddled lifelessly in a pool of blood. _Her_ blood.

He didn't know why she was here. He didn't know _how_ she was here. All he knew was that he understood why the universe was in such despair. She was gone, lost. All he could see were the stains of her broken form and all he could feel was the abiding fury rooted to his core.

Rage.

Hot burning rage.

He cursed the universe. He cursed the TARDIS. He cursed the reason for her death. And he cursed the endless loss that he seemed to feel for eternity. His green eyes were dark with bitterness and jaw set with the anger that raged through him. All he could see was red. Pain could not even describe the emotions ravaging through his mind.

He strode over to the limp body, determined to find the cause of her death; to find the cruel, vicious monster whom dared to slaughter his beautiful little flower. How sorry they will be that they dare to awaken the fury of the oncoming storm. He ripped the sonic out of his heavy jacket, scanning her body rapidly but came to a sudden stop at the sound of wailing coming from the hidden arms of Rose Tyler. A little baby being cradled in the arms of their dead mother, umbilical cord still attached and blood smeared on the arms of their mother from the last minute instincts to hold and protect her child. The revelation horrified the Doctor. The guilt slowly seeped into his drowned hearts. The anger and yet pain that he held for that single child. The guilt and remorse. The sorrow and despair.

_It_ is the reason for the suffering of the universe, for the death of his precious Rose. The monster. The thing that separated his true love from him. That removed her life for its own. This...this...this-

This innocent, defenceless _crying_ child. He reached out to the weeping child, detached the umbilical cord with the sonic and cradled the little creature in arms using his jacket as a wrap. The cries started to diminish, only a slight whimper could be heard. The Doctor pulled the little tot closer to his chest and stared deeply at the face of _her_ child. A girl, the Doctor noticed. A tiny gorgeous girl. Little wisps of chocolate brown hair swirled on the top of her head, sweet lips pink as a rose, a cute little button nose and as she opened her eyes the Doctor's hearts melted yet dropped at same time. She had _her_ eyes. Beautiful brown irises with gold swirling through it. He broke.

"I'm sorry. Oh I'm so so sorry. So sorry. Oh please forgive me. I...I...I'm-" He chanted his apology to the small child as he rocked back and forth, weeping for the loss, for his terrible thoughts, for the loneliness and for this young new born who will never be able to see her mother or be in her arms again.

"I'm so sorry. So so sorry-"

He couldn't breathe. There was no air. He choked on his own sobs, cries that have been buried and locked with the need to burst free. He was finally grieving. Grieving the loss that had been stored for centuries. His home. His family. His loved ones. His companions. Everything was pouring out into one massive mess.

_Susan...Patience...The brigadier...Jenny...River Song...Donna...The Ponds...Rose..._

It all plummeted down on him. Everyone he couldn't save, everyone he lost, everyone that turned into monsters because of him.

He was shaking dangerously. He was so vulnerable, so exposed. Stripped down to his very core in front of this sweet child who was unknowingly covered in the blood of her mother. So innocent, so fragile. There were no more tears left, just the whimpers and gasps escaping his lips. He suddenly felt something brush against his hand and then tightly grasp his pointer finger. He looked down at his hand to find a tiny little hand holding his finger. When he was so caught up in his sorrow, he didn't even notice that the small child in his arms stayed calm throughout his entire emotion turmoil, just giving little supportive gurgles of reassurance. Now she held on tightly to the hand of the sad man, trying to help him be better.

The Doctor gave a tired laugh though it sounded more like a raspy cough.

"Just like your mum, you are." He croaked, the wrinkles in his sad eyes showing.

The baby gave a quiet babble in response. The Doctor's old eyes softened, his staggered breaths starting to even out thanks to the respiratory bypass. He took a big gulp of air as he cleared his throat to speak, staring deeply into the familiar and yet foreign eyes of this amazing child. Determination struck upon him.

"No more. No more hurting. No matter what, no matter how, no matter when, I will always be there for you when it matters most and that's a promise. A promise that I will forever do my best to keep. I will never let you slip through my fingers. I will never ever let you get hurt. Never. I will keep you safe till the end of time and I promise...I promise you that you will have a _fantastic_ life."

**AN: And there you have it. Please don't murder me for my cruelty! It took me three brownies, a bowl of ice cream and a block of chocolate to write all of this! If there are any plot holes or gramma and spelling mistakes please notify me, I am totally open to feedback. Oh and don't forget if you want me to continue this as a story, review! Give me any ideas on where to go or what to change. Again I am totally open to feedback and ideas so don't hesitate to give your opinion. Thanks for reading!**


	2. AN & Sneak Peak

**AN: Hey guys! So I've waited for a month or so to observe the response to this one shot and whether people wanted me to continue it as a story or leave it as a one shot and it seems that a few wanted me to continue it but I still feel like I didn't get enough reviews and such to make a judgement on whether to continue or not. But don't worry because I've come to a compromise. Because I still like this story idea and have a basis planned out, I've decided that I will continue this as a series of one shots instead of a full out story. That way I won't have huge pressure to update and am able to focus on my other fanfics but also be able to satisfy you guys with a continuation. **

**The one shot series will be called 'Repetitions of a Broken Mind' with this one shot being the first in the series. The second one shot is currently being constructed and will be called 'Guilt' and shall be posted in the next couple of days or so. But because I'm feeling generous and guilty for this not being an update for you guys, here's a sneak peak on what's to come:**

And now because of his cowardice, Rose shall never have a proper resting place that she truly deserved nor have a burial with her name on it. The most brilliant human in existence being left behind with a lost identity, utterly alone and all forgotten just because of him.

Because he was a monster.

**Okay thanks guys! Hope you guys don't hate me and enjoy your weekend!**

**P.S- Incase you guys didn't notice, I've just recently changed my penname. It's now 8ADW01F instead of Musicmaniac97. I just felt that it was too lengthy. Anyways! Bye!**


	3. New Story is Up!

**AN: Hey guys! My second story 'Guilt' has just been published. So go check it out now! Sorry it's a bit late but happy reading!**


End file.
